Are buses gross or the people?

Well, I had a reprieve from my bus riding for a while. As nice as it is to have a car with me at all times, I think I enjoy that down time while on the bus...no hassles, no traffic...just me and my blackberry....poking around the net for 30 minutes or so.

And now I'm back. For some reason I have that old funny version of the Queen song...Another One Rides the Bus (crap, thats what I should've named this blog! duh) floating through my head.

Anyways.....I think the hardest part about riding the bus, are the gross things. They aren't apparent on a regular basis, but there are times......

Smelly homeless crazy guy.... You can smell him across the isle, while he sits there with a trade magazine....crossing off ad sections with his marker, for what ever reason...and ends up crossing out the whole page, section by section, and ripping the page out then throwing the pages on the floor. I wonder if in his crazy little mind, he thinks he's doing something important?

And there's the poor working man who has his lunch (I assume?) in a black plastic bag...with some mysterious liquid dripping from the bottom. Onto his shoe. Onto the floor. His pant leg..oooh god, NO don't swing that bag over here!!!

And then there's the highlight of my ride this morning. The guy across from me...wiping something red on the palm of his hand, until the red disappears. Oh...that was blood. niiiiice. His elbow is bleeding a tiny bit. Apply pressure with your finger...good idea. Oh wait..no no no...don't rip the scab off!! Ewww...scab is being held between the forefinger and thumb....

Where will it end up???

On the floor?

Over his shoulder, behind the seat?

Casually flicked into oblivion?

Wiped off onto the seat?

No....Let's drop it into....

his LUNCH BAG!!!

OMFG!!!

(GAG!!)

"THEY'RE ALIVE!!"

I took the regular bus a block from my house to the Orange Line one day. My daughter was with me. The Orange Line stops right at the college she attends and I wanted her to know how to get to school without me. She had been, and still is, really reluctant to take public transportation but she doesn't have a car. Beggar's can't be choosers, right?

What happened next made it more difficult to convince her that it was O.K. to take the bus!

Damn crazy man!

This was my first time taking the Metro Bus. Wow......what an experience.

We got to the bus stop in plenty of time. Much to my daughters irritation. Heaven forbid we wait for 10 minutes. And the horror of standing at a bus stop. I swear, she stood behind the bus stop so know one driving by would see her.

Can you say prima donna?

The bus stopped. We got on. Dropped our $1.25 each, into the money collector thingy (I have noooo idea what those things are really called) and promptly found two empty seats.

There was a rather old man sitting fairly close to us and he was mumbling about something. At first I didn't pay much attention. I was just trying to get my bearings and figure this new experience out.

Then I heard a few detached words.....hand. fingers.....alive.

hmmm....what the hell?

I didn't want to stare but I HAD to look.

This old man, in his mexican accent was talking to his hand? or maybe to anyone who would listen.....saying....

"They're alive!!"

What? what's alive? (I must pay more attention....what is this man talking about??)

Then my phone "vibrates". Who would be trying to contact me at 7:30 a.m.?

A text......from my daughter. Who's sitting RIGHT NEXT TO ME!!!

"Mom....who is that man talking to????"

LMAO!!! my reply..."I have noooooo idea!!" ***send***

So I listen some more. And observe more closely. And see him massaging his wrist and hand as he stretches his fingers....all the while he's proclaiming....

"THEY'RE ALIVE!!!!"

OMG!!! I'm on the bus with a crazy man!!

He proceeds to explain (to whom ever happens to be listening) that as long as he keeps massaging his wrist and hand, that his fingers will return to life!

Oh great! Now my daughter will never use the bus!! And I'm not so sure I want to either. I mean the old man is harmless but still. It's too early for this shit! Really. It is. I mean my day is just beginning. Please tell me this isn't a sign of how the day ahead will unfold.

And old man? Please stop talking to the bus driver cuz he keeps turning around to answer you so that he knows for sure you can hear him. And to be honest, I'd rather the driver look ahead while he's driving this big bus along these pot-hole ridden roads and avoids crashing into a parked car.

And old man? I'm not so sure you completely understand what the bus driver is saying cuz I think he's sorta making fun of you. And all the other mexican occupants. Because his final question was...."You don't understand a word I'm saying do you? Maybe you should learn English before you ask me questions. It might be helpful."

Ouch! (but true)

But Mr. Bus Driver....have a little heart. This old man is trying very vigilantly to resuscitate his dead fingers. I think they died in Vietnam. If you listen close enough, I think that old man has a whole conspiracy theory wrapped around his life (and dead fingers).

And he's trying to convince us that it's true. I believe he will only be happy if we were all massaging our wrists and hands.....as we resuscitate our dead fingers.

For some reason...the word "Zombie" keeps coming to mind.

Must find another route. FAST!

Clowns Really ARE Scary!

It's a Friday evening and the bus is loaded with people. Standing room only. Yours truly was lucky enough to have a seat. No bus poll dancing for me that night. (you can thank me later)

I'm reading a book and notice out of the corner of my eye some really odd looking, rather large lime green and white shoes....wtf???

My eyes slowly move up.....

Striped red and white socks

Short blue pants with white stripe up the side... red suspenders

Red and blue striped shirt

Smeared white makeup

Half of a red exaggerated smile (the rest looked like he had a stroke during the application and then forgot to finish wiping it off)

Short brown hair, sticking up everywhere. Not sure if that was on purpose or just from a long day.

Then he opened his mouth and you couldn't understand a word he said. I think he thought he knew english.

I have my serious doubts.

I really felt sorry for the cute young, newly married couple across from me. This deranged clown kept trying to talk to them. The couple was so polite...bless their hearts...they kept shaking there heads. And the clown pressed on

The heads kept shaking NO. The poor gal even started to get this worried, apologetic look on her face like she wants to say..."Please....I don't understand and I don't want you to look at me anymore...stop talking, I really can't understand a word you're saying!"

furtive glance at hubby...that pleading look that says "doooo something!!"

Then he reached into a bag......while babbling in his horrible, still not understood englishy language. "amay for ju annie mabayoon"

I was getting a little nervous. What do scary, crazy ass clowns keep in their bag of tricks?

He pulled out....

a balloon. Of course. duh.....balloon animals anyone? Dude, we're on a bus, trying to get home from work...we're tired, its the end of the day, the end of the WEEK. This isn't a 7 year olds birthday party (btw, that 7 yr old would've ran to his room crying after one look at that clown).

I seriously wish I had thought to take a picture of this guy.

He was relentless...he kept looking around the bus trying to talk people into one of his animal balloons.

hmm...instead of averting my eyes, frantically avoiding eye contact...I should've let him make one for me. Now that hes long gone and of no threat, I'd be curious to know what kind of balloon animals a scary ass clown makes....great white sharks? vampire bats? wolverines?

oooh....maybe he makes rattlesnakes....that'd be more his speed.

Lets just get this clown off the bus before he trips someone with those damn shoes.

Here's Your Sign.....

Nope...I didn't have any smelly people on the bus ask me what my sign is. Although when I looked at them, I envisioned special signs around each of there necks....

* girl with wet hair, wearing too much Amber Romance - "Wannabe Future Herbal Essence Star"

*smelly old man going home to his wife - "Wife Repellent"

*unbathed kids - "Future Germaphobic"

However, there are other signs...both visible and invisible. And lets not forget the visible ones that are selectively invisible, apparently.

Case in point: The Orange Line has its own road. For buses only! No traffic, no idiots on the road to deal with. (just idiots on the bus)

At least thats how it should be.

On my way home there was a police car parked in the bus lane at one of the stops. Not a normal occurrence (when police visit the stops, they park somewhere else).

hmm...whats that ahead of the police car? A car! A regular everyday street car.

Getting a ticket.

Because he didn't see the HUGE ass sign?

What part of DO NOT ENTER did he not understand?

Here's Your Sign!

What about invisible signs. Or...actions....expressions? Mixed signals?

The little walking person is going in the same direction as the arrow.

It says not to walk, but to use the crosswalk. Should I......skip?

Then there's the man in the wheelchair, dressed in black leather pants, black vans, tatoos. Kinda looked like a washed up hair band member (drummer would be my guess since he played the air-drums the whole time). Did I mention that he was maybe in his 60's? and had straw like black died hair? It seemed that....his legs worked fine. He zooomed (literally zoomed, almost knocking the old lady down in front of him) his wheelchair into place and then proceeded to use his legs to brace himself from rolling forward at each stop. He even stood up once. I dunno about you, but that was a little bit confusing.

What about the guy that frowns at you the whole time he's staring at your breast? Guess he's not real happy about what he's looking at. (Then STOP looking!!)

Be careful about that seemingly polite man who offers you his seat. Especially when he stands right in front of you. Where do you look??? (Can't he go stand in front of a blind man or something?)

I no longer try to have conversations with other people on the bus. (first of all, you discover that they have bad breath the minute they open their mouth) Ever since I talked to a very nice older woman who looked at me and gave me the sweetest smile, nodding her head as I talked. Come to find out...she didn't understand a bit of english.

Maybe now I know who to tell my deepest secrets too.

Smellies on The Bus

Whenever you get a large group of people together, there are going to be smells....scents, odors, good, bad and just plain ugly.

Guess what people! You have control over some of this. Water and soap will take care of a majority of the problems. Moms....bathe your kids! Wives....good lord, how can you live with that smelly man?! Tell him. For the love of Pete (or for Pete's sake.). Geeze, forget Pete.....do it for ME!

When you see a homeless person, you just automatically breathe a little shallower until you're out of their odorous range. When you see a laborer at the end of the day....you can bet that smell is body odor, not onions. (But go ahead, keep fooling yourself. I know...it's always easier to think that you're smelling onions).

It's those in betweens that get you. The old man with a nicely pressed shirt, who apparently doesn't believe in deodorant. Look mister, you're no longer living in a 3rd world country. Deodorant is sold on every corner. Shit, you can even buy it from your local liquor store or 7-Eleven. You're in America and as a general rule here, we shower more than once a week! You just might even be one of those people who should shower more than once a DAY!! (imagine that! Showering on a daily basis). Yup....turn that knob and water comes out 24 / 7 (provided you've paid your water bill of course).

It's the little boy and little girl who seem to be wearing clean clothes but as they sit next to me, it becomes obvious that bathing has been absent in their bedtime routine. A second look at mom tells me she's a little off. One of those older moms that kinda remind you of a different era....60's perhaps? Prim and proper and a little to attached to polyester. And why is this little boy, who appears to be pushing 3 years old, still drinking for a bottle? I'm thinking a little therapy might be in his future.

But not all odors are created equal. The minute I stepped on the bus, my senses were bombarded with a familiar scent.....Amber Romance by Victoria's Secret. Which use to be one of my favorites. Until I discovered that the girl, seated 10 rows behind me....ya, the one with the wet hair, has bathed in the stuff. My suspicions were confirmed when the air was clear the moment she got off the bus. Hasn't anyone ever told her that too much of a good thing is bad? I wonder what scent she was trying to cover up? Not that I ever really want to know for sure.

Then there's the inevitable. That distinct, disgusting, unmistakable little thing they call flatulence. The (sometimes) silent gagger (although when you're on a bus the noise will always drown out the sound)....and you have NO idea where it came from....who did it? You can't even be sure who to frown at or get away from. And all the while, you're just praying to God that the people around you don't think it was from YOU!

Slow Bus

Have you ever seen a bus driving down the street, going less than 5 miles an hour because the guy in front of it was.......

in a WHEELCHAIR!?

Yep...you heard me right. A guy in one of those motorized wheelchairs decided to bypass the wheelchair accessable sidewalk and zoom down the middle of the street instead. And not just any street mind you. But the street where all the buses enter and exit the North Hollywood bus terminal. Talk about a traffic jam. Guess he figured his little ole chair had enough g-forces to withstand the caos of everyday traffic and could hang with the big boys.

Apparently wind in your hair can be deceiving.

I suppose the old guy made it. I didn't see him again after he zipped around the corner with a couple of buses fast on his trail.

I hope the bus drivers didn't get a ticket for tail-gating. Or would it be the wheelchair driver that got the ticket?

. o O (Do wheelchairs have break lights?)

The Hazzards of Sleeping on the Bus

There's something about traveling in a car, in a plane...and apparently on a bus, that makes you want to close your eyes and drift away. I guess its that constant droning of the engine and the gentle (and sometimes not so gentle) rocking.

Sleeping in a car is easy (hopefully you're not the one driving), its your family car and you're with people you know. Sleeping in a plane is acceptable and sometimes expected. Long flights, long days, long nights....heck, they even give you pillows.

But sleeping on a bus (unless its the greyhound bus going cross country) is....I dunno.... irresponsible?

Every morning I see at least one person sleeping on the bus. How can they do that? How do they know when to wake up?

And what do you do if the guy next to you starts snoring!

I've seen a student jump out of his seat after dozing off and realizing he'd missed his stop. hmmm....did he get detention for being late...possibly, again?!

I've seen grown men wake with a startle, looking around as if they're lost, wondering what stop is next....did they miss their stop too? When they get to work late, I wonder if they'll admit that they fell asleep or if they'll blame it on the transit system..."The bus was late."

And what about the things that a sleeping person does, besides snoring? The more embarrassing things....drooling? .......farting? Of course that stench could be coming from the lady next to the sleeping man but what a great scape goat....blame it on the sleeping man. After all, he can't really deny it, can he?

Don't you just love the public.

What if someone stole your stuff while you were sleeping? Guess that could be a new excuse for the student who didn't do his homework..."Someone stole it on the bus while I was sleeping". That's way better than "the dog ate it".

I've missed my stop one time! And it wasn't because I fell asleep. I was just too busy texting and didn't pay attention to where we were. But when I got to work, I just told them...

"Sorry I'm late. I fell asleep on the bus."